The Bachelor: Hiei style
by Ralph1
Summary: Hiei is some how entered into 'The Bachelor' where he must choose one of 30 VERY strange girls to marry! But what the?! Kurama is one of the contestants!? This will be intresting, R&R. PG for light swearing
1. Prologue

The Bachelor: Hiei style  
  
YES YES! I own Yu Yu Hakusho, Hiei, and The Bachelor! Muahahahaha . . . ok so maybe I don't. ;.; but I wish I did ^-^  
  
Warning : Intense cruelty to annoying Hiei fans (not like myself) ^.^;;  
  
Prologue:  
  
Random Announcer Man: Welcome, to The Bachelor: Hiei style' I'm your host Mr. MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Today on the bachelor, Hiei will pick 15 lucky women out of the 30. But before that our bachelor Hiei will tell us a little about himself!! Hiei, go ahead.  
  
Hiei: Hn, I, Hiei, am a fire demon, I hate humans, and I enjoy killing.  
  
Mr. Man: Ok then, we'll now introduce our 30 ladies, ready? Ladies when you come out wave and give Hiei a hug o...  
  
Hiei:   
  
Mr. Man:   
  
Hiei: No hugs!  
  
Mr. Man: Er ok then ladies no hugs, now here we go. Rowan, Abra, Harva, Uzuri, Ronnie , Cardea, Bridie, Haracha, Urania, Jenny, Andria, Hila, Rumea, Beverly, Monica, Erica, Rabecca, Kelly, Dana, Danielle, Stacy, Ashley, Nicole, Gina, Jamie, Lexi, Rachel, er Liz er /Ralph, and Kurama?.  
  
Hiei:   
  
Mr. Man: Now Hiei, all you have to do is listen to each girl and choose 15 of them to stay!Ok Ladies.  
  
Kuwabara: Um excuse me Mr. Man but I'm not a girl.  
  
Mr. Man: What the? Then why are you here?  
  
Kurama: Er well it doesn't say you have to be a girl in the rules so I. . .  
  
Mr. Man: Uhh ok then I guess it doesn't *flips franticly through rule book* Well then Ladies uh and Kurama, tell Hiei about yourself.  
  
Rowan: My goal in life is to be an obedient house wife and I hope for eternal love and world pea. . .  
  
And on it went, for hours Hiei wasn't paying attention until a strange girl wearing bright red overall's was talking. . .  
  
Rachel: I have no goal's in life, I laugh at pain, I tend to kill fish by looking at them, and I like setting small woodland creatures on fire.  
  
Hiei: she's semi decent any ways she's in the next round, she right up next to the annoying female human with the sock puppet.'  
  
Liz/Ralph: My name is Liz but friends call me Ralph and you don't need to know anything about me.  
  
Hiei:   
  
Rachel: Wow THAT WAS THE FAMOUS HIEI HN!!!  
  
Hiei, Kurama, and liz: *sweat drop*  
  
other preppies on the show: *look confused* what's a hn?  
  
Rachel: *slaps forehead*  
  
Mr. Man: Ok and last but not least, er, Kurama!  
  
Kurama: Well I love to garden and I tend to have random things in my hair. Also I can use plants as weapons.  
  
Mr. Man: Ok Hiei, now is the time to make your choices!  



	2. Chapter 1

Chapter 1 : Who did you pick? And why?!  
  
  
  
Mr. Man: Well Hiei? Who are you going to pic?  
  
Hiei: Hn, lets see (racking his brain for random names)   
  
Stacy: *squeak* ¡¡ YAY!!  
  
Hiei: damn' uhh, Gina  
  
Gina: Wow wow wow wow wow REALLY!!!!! YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY!  
  
Hiei: well lets get Kurama in here'   
  
Kurama: *smug smile*  
  
Audience: *whisper whisper* is he gay? *whisper whisper*  
  
Hiei: *very small smile that only Kurama, Ralph, and Rachel saw* Gods help me. . . Rachel  
  
Rachel:   
  
Hiei: lets see who else... oh yeah the creepy girl and the one with a sock puppet, what was her name? oh yes' Ralph and . . . Lexi.  
  
Ralph: Oh . . . Joy.  
  
Lexi: Wow socky WE MADE it! *squeal*  
  
Hiei: right' The twins what were their names?  
  
Mr. Man: Billybobina and Billybobet?  
  
Hiei: Them, ok lets see uh all the y's, Jenny, Kelly, Beverly, Ashley.  
  
Jenny, Kelly, Beverly, Ashley:   
  
Hiei:   
  
Hila:   
  
Hiei: hmm I can't think of any more names, wait what was it. . . Rowan! the tree girl.'   
  
A gorgeous looking girl a foot taller then Hiei comes out of the crowd.  
  
Rowan: wow I feel so privileged.  
  
Hiei: hmm that was the last one I could remember, lets see'   
  
*crickets*  
  
Hiei: uhh Janet-y-henry?  
  
Screaming fan girl from audience: AH THAT'S ME!! YAY OMG OMG OMG!!!!!!  
  
Hiei: What the?!  
  
Mr. Man: (sounding confused) Ok then, well sorry to all the ladies who didn't make it. Will Stacy, Gina, Kurama, Rachel, Ralph, Lexi, Billybobina and Billybobet, Jenny, Kelly, Beverly, Ashley, Hila, Rowan, and er Janet-y-henry please join me up here?  
  
A flock of screaming girls and Kurama go to the center of the stage.  
  
Mr. Man: Now we're all going to ... Hawaii!!!! While we're there two of Hiei's personal friends will set up Seven dates for Hiei! Are you ready to meet Hiei's friends? Ok then.  
  
annoying whiney voice: He he hey shortly we're gonna have fun setting up your dates, and if you don't want Rowan I do!  
  
Rowan: *blush blush*  
  
Hiei: *rolls eyes* Hello Kuwabara.  
  
Kuwabara: What the?! How did you know it was me?  
  
Hiei: Your annoying nasally voice, I couldn't mistake it.   
  
Kuwabara:   
  
Other random voice: Hey Hiei your welcome for getting you on this show.  
  
Hiei: Yusuke, It was YOU?! (in a voice that meant pay back)  
  
Yusuke: He he see you in Hawaii Hiei!  
  
  
~*~ any idea's for the dates? please review!! ~*~


	3. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 Hiei go's on a date?  
  
  
Mr. Man: Here we are in Club De Coconut, Hawaii! Now today two of Hiei's friends Yusuke and Kuwabara, will be picking seven lucky girls (or 6 lucky girls and Kurama) to go on a date with Hiei that they set up! Now the seven contestants haven't been informed that they were picked, we're about o tell them now!  
  
Yusuke: Will the following contestants please step forward when cal...  
  
Kuwabara: Hey! How come you get to announce the ones who are going on a date with Hiei?  
  
Yusuke: Because no one likes your voice, now shut the hell up! As I was saying, will the following contestants please step forward next to Hiei when called. Billybobina, Rachel, Janet-y-henry, Kurama, Stacy, Ashley, and Lexi!  
  
Billybobina: But Billybobet and I do everything together!  
  
Mr. Man: She's not out of the game she just isn't going on a date with Hiei.  
  
Billybobina: Oh, ok then sorry Billybobet. I've got a date with Hiei, I've go a date with Hiei.  
  
Mr. Man: If all contestants that we're just called could please step into the Club De Coconut and follow Yusuke and Kuwabara, you will find out where your dates will be, thank you very much.  
  
----------------------------Later---------------------------------  
  
Yusuke: Ok now we'll give you all a list of dates and you sign your name next to it. To choose the order that you sign up in you will pull a number from a hat. Ready?  
  
Kuwabara passes around a hat and everyone draws a number.  
  
Yusuke: Ok, now that you all have you numbers get in a line starting with one and start signing.  
  
They all go tearing up towards the list.   
  
Yusuke: The list is complete, I'll read it off for your benefit.  
List Of Dates  
1. Shopping: Lexi  
2. Hula Dancing Lessons: Ashley  
3. Have Hiei cook a meal for you: Rachel  
4. Go roller bladeing: Billybobina  
5. Go to your favorite Movie: Stacy  
6. Go for ice cream: Janet-y-henry  
7. Go to your favorite club with Hiei: Kurama  
  
  
Now any questions?  
  
*crickets*  
  
Yusuke: ok then, Lexi and Ashley your dates will be tomorrow.  
  
  
----------------------------the next day--------------------------  
  
Mr. Man: Hiei, are you ready to go on your dates?  
  
Hiei:   
  
Mr. Man: Ok then! bring out Hiei's first date!  
  
Lexi: That's us socky!!!!! yay  
  
Hiei:   
  
Lexi comes out with her sock puppet.  
  
Lexi: Guess what Hiei!!!!  
  
Hiei: *twitch twitch* what Lexi?  
  
Lexi: We get to go Shopping!!!!  
  
Hiei: I hate you Yusuke.  
  
Yusuke: Hey! That one was Kuwabara's idea not mine.  
  
Mr. Man: Well Hiei and Lexi I'm giving you 2 thousand dollars to spend!  
  
Hiei: Good I thought I would have to pay.  
  
Lexi: C'mon Hiei and Socky, lets go!!  
  
Hiei: Why me? *looks at Lexi*   
  
Mr. Man: Your rides have been arranged to and from the mall. Off you go! tune in next time for what happens at the 1st date!


	4. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: Hiei Is totally out of character  
  
Lexi: Hiei! Hurry up!  
  
Hiei: Oh as soon as I get a hold of yusuke...' coming Lexi.  
  
Hiei was about to go mad. He was carrying around a thousand dollars worth of shoes and Lexi still has one thousand left! He couldn't wait to end THIS date! To bad Kurama forbid him to kill his dates and that he had to be nice.  
  
Hiei: Lexi, lets sit down for a minuet.  
  
Lexi: But but *puppy dog eyes* I see another shoe store up ahead.  
  
Hiei: Kurama didn't say how nice I have to be.'  
  
slowly Lexi obeyed.  
  
Lexi: I know socky he's so mean! lets go see if we can find you a new hat next. Ok Hiei, we've sat long enough, COME ON!!!  
  
Hiei: *groan* All right all right, I'm coming.  
  
After about two more hours of wandering around Hawaii with 10,000 bags of shoes and coconuts with goggly eyes it was finally time to go back to Club de Coconut.  
  
Hiei: (trying to drag Lexi away from a gift shop) You stupid human, get over here I don't want to spend another second here!!  
  
Lexi: *pouty face* Fine you big meanie.  
  
------------------------back at Club De Coconut-------------------  
  
Mr. Man: Welcome back! How was you date?  
  
Hiei:   
  
Lexi: It was great!! Look at these shoes! and this hat for socky. . .  
  
It went on for hours as you can imagine she bought a lot with $2,000.  
  
Mr. Man: Lexi, I'm sorry to interrupt but, this is only an hour show and Hiei still has to go on a date with Ashley.  
  
Lexi: YOUR SEEING OTHER PEOPLE?!!!!! How dare yo-  
  
Mr. Man: But it's part of the sh-  
  
Lexi: DON'T interrupt me!  
  
Hiei: Lexi, if you don't like it then leave the show. (he said calmly)  
  
Lexi: I WILL, c'mon socky, we're leaving!  
  
Yusuke: Well there's one down.  
  
Kuwabara: And he didn't even kill her.  
  
Kurama: Yes, I'm quite shocked he listened to me for once.  
  
*Kuwabara and Yusuke jump*  
  
Yusuke: Where did you come from?  
  
Kurama: I've been here the whole time.  
  
Yusuke: ¬.¬; your to quiet for your own good.  
  
Kurama: I know ^.^  
  
Kuwabara: Quiet guys the shows back on!  
  
Mr. Man: Ok Hiei, ready to meet date number two?  
  
Hiei: Do I really have to do this on the same day as Lexi?  
  
Mr. Man: Of course! would date number two please join us out here?  
  
Ashley: Do I really have to go out with him? I mean he's just so short. Not like I'm fussy about those kind of things. Now Mary! Mary is so fussy...  
  
Mr. Man: Uh Ashley?  
  
Ashley: What is it? I'm talking here!  
  
Mr. Man: Your supposed to be telling Hiei about the date your going on.  
  
Ashley: Oh, right. We're getting Hula dancing lessons.  
  
Hiei: ¬.¬ Your joking, right?  
  
Ashley: No way, lets go.  
  
Hiei: grr'  
  
Mr. Man: You will get three free hours of Hula lessons from ms. Pucca Layla The Hula dancing extraordinar, on one condition, you must where a lay, coconut bra and grass skirt.  
  
Ashley: Ok, no problem.  
  
Hiei: No, no way in hell can you get me in tha-  
  
---------------------later----------------------------------  
  
Dressed in a lay, coconut bra, and grass skirt. . .  
  
Hiei: How did you get me in this.  
  
Pucca Layla: Hello, I am Pucca Layla, Hula dancing extraordinar. I will be showing you for the next three hours, how to Hula dance. Blah blah. . .  
  
Ashley: (in a whisper) Hey Hiei dose this make me look fat? Because I think it dose, you know who's really fat? Samantha! I think-  
  
Pucca: Ashley! pay attention! Now you swing your right hip back, then stick out your butt, then smoothly bring your left hip forward. When you've done that stick your pelvis outward and start all over again. Now, you try.  
  
Hiei: *rolls eyes and starts to hula*  
  
Ashley: Wow this is great for my abs.  
  
Pucca: *smacks Hiei's butt with a stick* Hold those buns tight!   
  
Hiei: *blushes*   
----------------------Back-at-Club-De-Coconut---------------------  
  
Hiei: Ow my butt, she's lucky I only broke that damn stick she had.  
  
Ashley: You know Hiei that was very un called for.  
  
Hiei: Well she wasn't hitting you butt with a stick was she?  
  
Ashley: Well if you would keep you muscles tight.  
  
Mr. Man: I take it you date went well?  
  
Ashley: Oh just peachy keen (with sarcasim in her voice.)  
  
Hiei: *glares at everyone without saying a word*  
  
Mr. Man: Tune in next time for Hiei's next dates!


	5. Chapter 4

Chapter 4: The next date  
  
Mr. Man: Welcome back! Today Hiei will be learning who his next date will be! OK will the next girl come out?  
  
Random voice: Rachel that's you   
  
*loud thunk in background*  
  
Rachel: Ow, I know you idiot you didn't need to elbow me!  
  
Rachel walks out in front of Club De Coconut,  
  
Rachel: Hi Hiei!! Guess what we're doing on tonight's date!  
  
Hiei: (sounding very bored and tired.)  
  
Rachel: You get to cook me dinner at your house!  
  
Hiei: SHIT!' Um I er don't have a house.  
  
Mr. Man: Well where do you usually sleep?  
  
Hiei: Er, in a tr-  
  
Rachel: I'm sure wherever you sleep is fine. (Knowing Hiei sleeps in a tree at a local park, but she hadn't been spying on him of course ^.~)  
  
Hiei: Ok, but er I don't know how to cook.  
  
Mr. Man: Well I'm sure you know something, give a list of ingredients and utensils you need to one of the workers here, and we'll have them ready for you tonight.  
  
Hiei:   
  
------------------------------Later-------------------------------  
  
Random worker dude: All he needs is three thin sharp pointy knives.  
  
Mr. Man: Hmm, I wonder what he's going to cook with those. Oh well we'll hear about it when the get back from the date.  
  
-------------------------Later that night-------------------------  
  
Rachel: So why do we have to walk to your house?  
  
Hiei: Because I don't want anyone knowing where I live, it's trouble enough taking you.  
  
Rachel: So where DO you live? (Trying to sound innocent.)  
  
Hiei: You'll see. (ignoring her attempt to sound innocent completely, he had seen her watching him for months)  
  
Hiei leads Rachel into a water park, where he points to a Coconut tree.  
  
Hiei: There, now climb.  
  
Rachel: How am I supposed to climb this thing?! There's no low branches for me to climb up on!  
  
Hiei: Stupid humans, I for got can't do anything themselves. *Grabs Rachel around the waist and throws her up the tree*  
  
After they got settled in the tree,  
  
Hiei: Be quiet and watch, I'm about to get some dinner. *Pulls out at least 6 sharp pointy knives that came from Mr. Man*  
  
Rachel: Are you gonna kill a seagull and cook it for me?  
  
Hiei: No, now shut up. *Picks out one of the knives, looks at it, takes careful aim and throws!*  
  
Unfortunately Rachel just figured out what he was doing, and was about to scream but instead fell out of the tree. Hiei who was startled by the fall put to much strength into the throw and the knife went right through the pineapple on a stick vendor into a fruit vendor.  
  
Hiei: Damn.' *yells down to Rachel* What the hell are you doing?!  
  
Rachel: Why did you kill him so messily? Near of all these people?   
  
Hiei: *glances around to make sure no humans were around* I made sure no one saw.  
  
Rachel: Then I didn't just see you look around? (in a sweet voice)  
  
Hiei: *blushes* Be quiet. *walks over to the vendor*   
  
Rachel walks over next to Hiei and looks down.  
  
Rachel: *picks up a lemon that had rolled to her her feet* Well when life gives you a lemon...  
  
Hiei: Shut up and eat your damn lemon!  
  
Rachel:   
  
After they ate all the pineapple on a stick...  
  
Rachel: So what's for desert?  
  
Hiei: Desert? What's that?  
  
Rachel: Uh, never mind it's time to go back to club de coconut. But what will we do with the bodies?  
  
Hiei: Leave that to me. *Takes bodies and puts them in a dumpster near the Hawaiian ghetto* Kurama showed me that trick. ^-^ Wait, I mean I don't know Kurama.   
  
Rachel: (in a knowing way.)  
  
------------------------Back-at-Club-De-Coconut-------------------  
  
Mr. Man: Well, how did your date go?  
  
Rachel: It was, er, interesting, yeah that's it. It was interesting.  
  
Mr. Man:   
  
Hiei:   
  
Mr. Man: Well then Rachel what did he cook?  
  
Rachel: He made pineapple on a stick, in an interesting fashion.  
  
Mr. Man: Well all right then, tune in next time for Hiei's next dates!


	6. Chapter 5

Chapter 5: Hiei, Roller blades, and a Movie  
  
  
Mr. Man: Welcome back, after a most interesting date last time, once again Hiei will be going on a date with a lucky girl. Who is it this time? Will the next girl come out?  
  
Billybobina: I can't believe it!  
  
Hiei: *shudder*  
  
Billybobina: Know what we're gonna do today?  
  
Hiei: No. What?  
  
Billybobina:   
  
Hiei: Jumping off a building?  
  
Billybobina: Not even close silly! We're going roller bladeing!  
  
Hiei: What's that? *sounding alarmed*  
  
Billybobina: What's what?  
  
Hiei: Roller bladeing. (thinking) Maybe this could be fun, I mean it has blades in it.'  
  
(little did he know...)  
  
----------------------------Later---------------------------------  
  
Hiei: So what's the point of this again? *tries to strap on the roller blades*  
  
Billybobina: *sigh* Those are on the wrong feet *Takes off Hiei's roller blades and starts to put them on right* The point is to glide on these- *points to his blades* - and not fall, it's really fun.  
  
Hiei: *looks interestedly at the roller blades* So where are the blades we use?  
  
Billybobina (I'm getting tired of typing her name so she's now bb): *giggle* Those are your blades *points to roller blades*  
  
Hiei: *looks disappointed*  
  
BB:   
  
Hiei:   
  
*Hiei stands up on his blades and falls straight back down*  
  
BB: *Glides around Hiei in a circle* C'mon Hiei, you can do it!  
  
Hiei: Just you wait Yusuke'  
  
After a couple of hours Hiei could stand on his skates and go little distances.  
  
BB: Ok now lets go to the boardwalk and skate!  
  
Hiei: The what walk?  
  
BB: *Skates off not hearing Hiei*  
  
Trying to catch up with BB, Hiei takes a wrong turn and lands... at the top of a VERY steep hill. At this very moment Lexi (who was trying to plot her revenge on the cheating demon but couldn't get past making him hurt really badly.) walked by and seeing the position the demon was in . . .   
  
Lexi: (in a whisper) Socky now's are chance! *pushes the sock clad hand into Hiei's back*   
  
Hiei: *fells the push* *Starts to roll forward*   
  
-------------------------at the hospital--------------------------  
  
BB: Hiei! What we're you doing? We we going to the boardwalk, no the hill of death.  
  
Hiei: YOU went to fast! I got lost. And it's not like I wanted to be there!  
  
BB: *huff*  
  
Random Doctor: Well Hiei, your very lucky. Most people wouldn't survive a fall or in your case slide like that let alone come out unscrached, but you did. Your free to go.  
  
BB: Well I guess this date is over. (sounding disgusted)  
  
Hiei: about time!'  
  
----------------------------back at club de coconut---------------  
  
Mr. Man: So how did it go?  
  
BB recounts the whole date with random grunts fro Hiei  
  
Mr. Man: Well Hiei, we're all glad your out of the hospital. Are you ready for your next date?  
  
Hiei: *glare*  
  
Mr. Man: Ok then, Will the next girl come ut to greet Hiei!  
  
voice behind curtain: *Squeak!*  
  
Hiei: *rolls eyes*  
  
Stacy: (in a really annoying squeaky voice) Hey Hiei, We're gonna go see a movie ^-^  
  
Hiei: What's that?  
  
Stacy: You know, the moving picture on the giant screen that people go watch. (sounding sarcastic)  
  
Hiei: this might be interesting.'  
  
Stacy: And we're going to see Finding Nemo! I've been dying to this! ^-^ Lets go!  
  
Mr. Man: Have fun, and anything you get to eat or drink will be paid for by the show.  
  
-----------------------------later--------------------------------  
  
Stacy: Wow this is so exciting Hiei. Where do you want to sit?  
  
Hiei: *eyes wide with amazement*   
  
Stacy: Ok then I'll choose, lets see, lets sit here! *points to the front row.  
  
Hiei: Wow this place is big, I wonder what kind of demon keeps it running. No human could.'  
  
Stacy: Hiei, do you want something to eat?  
  
Hiei:   
  
Stacy: come on then. *drags him off to the snack stand*  
  
When the finally get to the counter after a long wait...  
  
Stacy: Hmm, I don't know what I want. How about... popcorn, a coke and some of those points to a bunch of different candy bars. Hiei What do you want?  
  
Hiei: *stuffing candy into his mouth while the other worker looks frightfully at the flaming cash register*  
  
Stacy: Stop it Hiei! Your supposed to take the wrappers off first!  
  
Hiei: *spits out all the wrappers*   
  
Stacy: Hiei, will you hurry up the previews are starting.  
  
Hiei:   
  
Stacy: *rolls eyes*  
  
--------------------------after the movie-------------------------  
  
Stacy: Wow, that was great! ^-^ I love Dory, don't you Hiei?  
  
Hiei: Are all stupid human females like this?! *sigh*  
  
Mr. Man: So how was your date?  
  
Stacy: It was great! We had so much fun and and.....!  
  
Mr. Man: *sweat drop* I see. And Hiei, did you enjoy yourself as well?  
  
Hiei: It was ... informing.  
  
Mr. Man: Ok then come back next time to hear about Hiei's last two dates! I'm Mr. Man! See you next time!


End file.
